In M3’s weekly recap of Dancing With the Stars, writers Allison Bowsher and Melody Lau (two admitted newcomers to the world of #DWTS) will discuss their thoughts on the night’s performances – with their expertise opinions, of course.

Be sure to tune into new episodes of Dancing With the Stars every Monday at 8E/5P.

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Melody: We’re getting pretty close to the finale, Allison. So let’s waste no time and jump right into things as contestants revealed their (pretty obvious) idols.

Allison: Candace introduced the world to her mentor, a Bible teacher and Best Selling Author. Do I think Candace is inspired by this woman? Yes. Do I think the Christian vote is carrying her to the finale? Preach.

Melody: God is a fan of DWTS.

Allison: At least she danced to my Bruno Mars or else I would have been using this as my snack break. Yup, five minutes into the show and I need a snack break. The judges were super nice after many mistakes. I think they had snacks.

Melody: The judges are definitely just giving away points like Oprah gives away cars. (More on Oprah later!)

Allison: Tom Bergeron finished their judging by announcing the pair are safe and will be in next week’s finals. Did you see my Danica in the background? I can’t even.

Melody: Nothing makes sense anymore. [Candace’s scores: 8, 9, 9, 8]

Allison: Charlie meets up with his icon, Scott Hamilton, who tells Charlie to be versatile and make them laugh and cry.

Melody: What about yawning? He’s made me do that many times this season.

Allison: He’s doing a hip hop samba, so…roh row.

Melody: To Mo Money Mo Problems of all songs!

Allison: But first up the foxtrot and finally! This is what we’ve been waiting for! He put those Olympic gold skills to use and I lurved it.

Melody: Yawwwwwn. [Charlie’s scores: 10, 10, 10, 10]

Allison: Amy and Derek get a call from Opraaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! She’s been watching the show and voting for the couple.

Melody: And really, that’s all that matters.

Allison: It’s a super cute, super sweet moment. Their quickstep was so quick and so light and breezy. THAT is a semi-final performance!

Melody: My fave performance of the night. I’m [Amy’s scores: 10, 9, 10, 10]

Allison: James and Peta get a visit from L.A. Reid. Um, impressive guests tonight, amirite?

Melody: OPRAH.

Allison: I also saw Paul Anka in the crowd. Can Con! They did a super fun routine to Michael Jackson’s new track Love Never Felt So Good and he has got to be the most improved dancer on the show.

Melody: Part of me feels like I only want him around to continue his romance with Peta, though. I mean he’s a pretty good dancer, but let’s give them a spinoff show already! [James’ scores: 10, 10, 10, 10]

Allison: Kristi Yamaguchi is Meryl’s icon and I’m loving all the figure skaters! Onto Maks and his rage over a falling mic. Shits getting real in the semi-finals.

Melody: But they pulled off their performances!

Allison: It did nothing for me. [Meryl’s scores: 10, 10, 10, 10]

Melody: Finally, Candace got a little nasty with her second routine.

Allison: They performed much better this time. Praise Janet, Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty. [Candace’s scores: 9, 10, 10, 9] I didn’t think anyone could rap with less enthusiasm than Mase, but whoever is covering Mo Money, Mo Problems for Charlie and Sharna are proving me wrong.

Melody: I want to fire the band and just use pre-recorded music from now on, please.

Allison: I appreciate that they tried to meld the Samba and hip hop, but it didn’t quite hit the mark. Mo Genres, Mo Problems.

Melody: Sorry, what? I was too busy yawning. [Charlie’s scores: 9, 9, 9, 9]

Allison: Derek showed off his incredible choreography with a jazz routine that had Amy looking super sexy and cool.

Melody: Nothing is sexier than tables. [Amy’s scores: 9, 10, 10, 10]

Allison: Peta and James did the Rumba and it was sexy, but I felt like there wasn’t much dancing. There was a lot of Peta looking hot. Does this woman have a dance workout video? I will buy it. [James’ scores: 9, 9, 9, 9]

Melody: Completely unrelated note, I really liked Meryl’s outfit in their second routine. Like, I’d get married in that if I had a country-themed wedding.

Allison: Meryl and Maks had a lot more emotion for their second routine, a Viennese Waltz that was a little bit country. [Meryl’s scores: 10, 10, 10, 10]

Melody: Look, I don’t like Charlie but do I think he’s better than one or two of the other contestants on the show? Definitely. Alas, he and Sharna are eliminated and we’re one step closer to that unfortunately-named Mirror Ball!

Allison: And Candace is still here.