In M3’s weekly recap of Dancing With the Stars, writers Allison Bowsher and Melody Lau (two admitted newcomers to the world of #DWTS) will discuss their thoughts on the night’s performances – with their expertise opinions, of course.

Be sure to tune into new episodes of Dancing With the Stars every Monday at 8E/5P.

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Melody: Welcome to our weekly Dancing With the Stars discussion! As prefaced above, Allison and I are both newbies to the show, which is in its 18th season. So clearly, we’ve been missing out. Allison, what was your very first thought of the show?

Allison: This audience is packed with stars. Is it always this packed? Are we the only two people that haven’t been watching this show?

Melody: …I think so. We should feel very ashamed of ourselves. The show kicked off right away with Jason Derulo, which was quite a nice choice seeing as he is a pretty great dancer as well as a talented singer. You can just tell from the amount of sweat on his chest by the end of his performance of Talk Dirty that he danced his ass off. And his girlfriend Jordan Sparks cheering him on (adds to the star-count in the audience), too cute!

Allison: I actually interviewed Jason once and he talked a lot about his theatre and dance training, so I was a bit disappointed that his performance wasn’t more dance-heavy. But Talk Dirty is my jam, so all is forgiven. Okay, let’s get talking about the performances!

Getting the show started is Nene Leakes, who threatens to kill Meryl and Charlie in the first twenty seconds. I’m glad we got that out of the way. Her confidence is off-putting and it’s a good thing she had fringe on her dress, because it moved a lot more that she did. [Nene’s scores: 7,7,7]

Melody: I find her confidence kind of charming! I know she’s always casted as an attitude-filled diva, but there was something genuine in her excitement that I liked. She took the scores well and I thought they were fair.

Allison: Here’s a question: are they always this naked?

Melody: Real quote from my boyfriend who is always great at observations: “It’s just guys in black jackets and girls with things dangling off their boobs.” Pretty accurate, but also let’s all admit it, we want to wear those sparkly numbers and shake it on the dance floor. It’s appropriate nightclub wear, right?

Allison: Definitely, but in a nightclub you have the added benefit of alcohol to help with the dancing. Speaking of someone I’d like to see in a nightclub, James Maslow is super-hot, right?

Melody: Duh, and he knows it. You know what we also know?

Allison: He totally slept with his partner Peta and didn’t call her back. Minus hotness points.

Melody: Bingo! The look on her face when she saw him was pretty priceless. But did you feel the chemistry between them during their performance? I’m sure you’ll be gradually re-adding those hotness points throughout the season, Allison. [James’ scores: 7,7,7]

Allison: It’s true, I’m very forgiving. Onto Danica McKellar, who is a huge fangirl of DWTS and this makes me even more of a fangirl of her. She’s hoping to find her womanliness on this show. Seems like she needs to lower her expectations, no?

Melody: Yeah, this is the wrong show for that.

Allison: Also, she needs to be cast of Aria’s long lost sister on Pretty Little Liars. [Danica’s scores: 8,8,8]

Melody: A little high in my opinion, but it looks like the judges were being a little generous last night. After all, it was the first round. Okay, let’s talk about the grumpiest man on Earth, Sean Avery.

Allison: I don’t know why they showed the clip of Sean Avery being a total ass about his ex-Elisha Cuthbert since it’s painful to watch, but if it means people won’t vote for him then I’m fine with it. He danced pretty well, but he’s still a jerk. He also loves Footloose, but still jerky.

Melody: I don’t think he will ever look like he’s enjoying himself. If he doesn’t understand why he’s been labeled a “bad boy”, he should re-watch last night’s episode. Or look in a mirror. His days are numbered. [Sean’s scores: 7,6,7]

Allison: Billy Dee does a terrible Wookie impersonation, but he moves pretty well for a 77 year old who has had two hip operations.

Melody: Yeah, kudos to him! At least he’s got a positive attitude unlike Sean.

Allison: Who are these judges that are giving Nene Leakes props even though she barely moved and give Billy Dee crap for being too stiff? Are you for realz?

Melody: I mean, he was a bit awkward and he’s bound to be painted as the “good effort” guy. Marks were a little harsh, but I think fans will be there to support him and put him through many more weeks of dancing. [Billy Dee’s scores: 5,5,5]

Allison: The judges are terrible people.

Melody: Can’t disagree on that one. Next was Meryl Davis and even though I was rooting for Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir at the Sochi Olympics (GO CANADA), Meryl KILLED it last night. Someone just give her a gold medal now, or a mirror ball trophy. Seriously, they couldn’t have come up with a better name for the prize?

Allison: I picked her as the one to win and frankly, I’m a genius. Meryl Davis is so sweet and so freaking talented. [Meryl’s scores: 8, 8, 8]

Melody: Allison, we’ve never watched DWTS, but we’ve probably watched every episode of Full House, ever. Multiple times.

Allison: You got it, dude. DJ Tanner doesn’t want to be sexy, but she is competitive and wants to win. Alrighty then. Pretty sweet contemporary number that wasn’t nearly as covered up as I thought it would be. Or she would be.

Melody: You can’t escape those costumes. She’s just going to have to deal with her kids seeing a bit of leg, or butt, every now and then. But otherwise, I think her performance was really spirited and great! Trust me, I’ve tried to do moves on the floor (curling up into a ball because you ate too much counts, right?) and it ain’t easy! [Candace’s scores: 9,8,8]

Allison: Is it just me or is DJ Tanner here to start shit?

Melody: Yeah, there was definitely some smack talk. And not like friendly rivalry stuff, like Meryl and Charlie.

Allison: She spent most of the show either talking about her faith or how much she wants to take down Danica McKellar. Quite the contrast. She even calls out Danica for ‘stealing’ Jeremy Miller from her in 1988. Talk about Growing Pains, amirite? Bah dum dum.

Melody: I will high five you on that. Also, I hope my dirty laundry gets aired out on television years after the fact!

Allison: Seriously though, it was 24 years ago and Candace married Val Bure, a NHL player. Life turned out okay, let it go.

Melody: Sigh, Cody Simpson isn’t even 24 years old. And honestly, it looks like he got lost in the mall and wandered on the set of DWTS. Super out of place, but they’ve gotta get those Twitter fans watching and spreading the word!

Allison: I watched the show with my parents and my mom keeps pointing out that Charlie White looks like an older Cody Simpson. True, but only one of them talks funny. Super awkward intro conversation between Cody Simpson and his partner Witney over whether or not he’s single. Should we start placing bets on how long it will be until Cody and Witney are dating?

Melody: By the looks of it, this show is spiral into dating drama soon.

Allison: It’s like Erin Andrews has been hired to start shit during the interviews. These segments are such train wrecks and I can’t look away. Probably the biggest surprise of the night is how freaking well he danced. Carrie Ann said that he has to be careful about his big feet, which is probably the greatest thing you can say about a man on TV.

Melody: One word: YOUTH. But also, his scores were a little too low. Come on, judges. [Cody’s scores: 7, 7, 8]

Allison: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to skinny Drew Carey, but good for him for trying something new with his new bod.

Melody: He totally did an admirable job and again has the right attitude. I will refrain from inserting a Sean Avery comment here.

Allison: Drew did pretty well and was a crowd pleaser for sure. [Drew’s scores: 7,7,7]

Melody: Amy Purdy is just an inspiration and I’m betting on her to make it far in this competition.

Allison: Amazing right? Two prosthetics legs and she’s not letting it stop her at all. Her dancing was amazing and her attitude is even better. [Amy’s scores: 8,8,8]

Melody: Diana Nyad was not my favourite and complaining about heels should not be allowed.

Allison: The woman swam 110 miles and now she has to dance on live television. I think I’d rather do the swim. Cute choice on dancing to Beyond The Sea for the swimmer. I see what you did there, DWTS, and I like it. [Diana’s scores: 6,6,6]

Melody: I want to touch Charlie White’s hair. But also, he has the same advantage as Meryl being ice dance skaters. So it was kind of obvious that he would deliver a good performance. If this ends with him battling out with Meryl at the end, I want to see their finale performances on ice.

Allison: I had no idea this show had contemporary performances in addition to ballroom. It’s a little So You Think You Can Dance, right? Still, it was beautiful. [Charlie’s scores: 9,9,9]

Okay, should we make our bets? Who do you think will come out on top when the results are read next Monday?

Melody: I personally give top honours Meryl Davis even though it’s a little unfair with her dance background (ice dance, close enough).

Allison: I’m going with Candace Cameron Bure as the lead and Diana Nyad as the one going home. She did better than others, but I don’t think she’s well known enough to get the votes.

Melody: Agreed on Diana.