Feb.25 / 2015

Pretty Little Liars Recap 521: Bloody Hell

The girls are doing a good job of revealing everything they know about Mona’s murder while in a visitation room at the jail holding Alison. Aren’t there cameras in these rooms?

When Alison arrives, they tell her about Mike’s revelation and promise Ali they’re going to find a way to get her out of jail. Alison’s only real reaction is to Hanna’s absence. Dude, get focused. Alison tells Aria she’s going to have to tell her lawyers about Mike, but Aria begs her to wait until she can get a hold of Cyrus and see if he can lead them to ‘A’.

The girls find Hanna back at school and she admits that she doesn’t want to visit Alison in jail after showboating on her last trip to the slammer. Aria is worried that if Alison throws Mike’s name out, he’ll become ‘A’s number one target. That’s a fair concern.

After learning that the girls went to visit Alison, Mrs. Hastings decides she needs to get her daughter out of the country and fast. Where was all this concern four seasons ago when all the ‘A’ business started? Mrs. Hastings went as far as calling Wren to see if he can help with Spencer’s college issues and he’s managed to get her an interview with a high profile professor at Oxford.

The girls stop by to see Spencer off and Aria takes the opportunity to pay Mrs. Hastings a whole dollar and get some legal advice about Mike. She doesn’t mention her brother’s name, but from what she does tell Mrs. Hastings it’s clear that Mike’s role in Mona’s disappearance could easily land him in jail.

Spencer arrives in London that night on a last minute ticket that must have cost a bazillion dollars. Instead of finding her sister and Wren, she’s greet by Colin, their flatmate. Wren’s boss invited Wren and Melissa to his country home for the weekend and that sounded like a better time than hanging out with Spencer. Harsh, but Spencer did cheat with her sister’s boyfriend, so we kinda get Melissa keeping her distance. As with most strangers on PLL, Colin is overly chatty, helpful, and extremely good looking.

Spencer’s interview with the professor from Oxford is going smoothly until he notices blood dripping from Spencer’s bag. ‘A’ must have hidden a vial of blood before Spencer left for the airport, which is even more terrifying when Spencer realizes she could have been stopped going through security and forced to explain someone’s blood in her bag.

Instead of trying to play off the blood as showing Spencer’s interest in being pre-Med, she rushes back to Wren and Melissa’s flat and continues her panic attack while packing. Colin comes home and uses that face and that accent to calm her down. Oh Toby, this is not a fair fight.

Back in Amurrica, Mrs. Hastings pays Alison a visit in hopes of learning why Jason won’t visit her, but Spencer will. Alison tells Mrs. Hastings that she’s innocent, but her lawyers won’t let her take the stand. Then she asks Mrs. Hastings to coach her so that she can defend herself in court. I think Mrs. Hastings takes the job. It gets kinda vague. While looking over Alison’s case file at home, Mrs. Hastings sees something that prompts her to immediately call Spencer and tell her daughter to not come home. WHAT IS IT?

Speaking of mothers, Ashley and Pastor Ted have made up and decided to get married. Hanna, the person who told her mother to fight for Ted, is now upset because he made Ashley wait. Just to be clear, she thinks Ted was a jerk for taking a few days to decide whether to marry a woman who cheated on him, whereas Hanna and Caleb’s break-up up over Caleb’s relationship with a ghost was totally normal. Righttttttt.

After telling her husband that being a lesbian isn’t just a phase, Talia has quit the Brew and is moving out. Emily offers her the spare room in her parent’s house until Talia figures out what to do next or until Emily’s parents get home, whichever comes first. The people of Rosewood loooooove leaving their teenagers home alone for weeks on end,

Emily is still Honey Boo Boo’ing it up in an effort to help Hanna pay for school. Just to recap, Emily works at The Brew all the time and is now entering a pageant to help Hanna, while Hanna is busy…doing nothing. H dawg, get a job.

Talia pays Emily a visit during dance rehearsal and so does Claire, the woman from the pageant board. Apparently Emily’s connection to the Alison DiLaurentis murder case may cause some sponsors to drop out of the pageant. Instead, she’s hoping Emily will drop out. Talia channels her sadness over the end of her marriage into rage and threatens the pageant woman with bad press unless they make a donation to Emily’s education fund. Finally, someone on this show who knows how to blackmail for good and not evil. Kinda.

Since Aria pays little to no attention during study sessions with Andrew, it’s not a stretch to believe she’s completely forgotten a study date. Aria finds Andrew waiting on her porch and she’s not in the mood to study, but she is in the mood to agree to see a movie with him the next night. She clarifies that they’re going as friends, saying that ‘she thinks she’s still seeing Ezra’.

The next day, Andrew finds Aria on the floor in Mike’s room after she stood on his workout bench to reach something high and the bench broke. Andrew, who knows everything about everything, sees that the bolts and screws for the bench don’t match. If Mike had laid on his bench to lift weights, his skull would have been crushed. Terrified and I guess turned on by Andrew’s knowledge of bolts and broken ankles, Aria and Andrew finally have their inevitable first kiss. RIP Ezria.

Aria gets down to business and is on the hunt to find Cyrus. She goes back to the diner where they saw Cyrus and Mike have their meeting and learns that ‘Hank Mahoney’ is a regular at the diner and a local mechanic. Why wouldn’t he meet somewhere further from where he lives? Not a very bright criminal. Aria talks to ‘Hanks’ boss and learns that he was hurt at work and is in the hospital. Aria wants Hanna to go with her to the hospital and see Hank, but Hanna is nervous. It’s like they all take turns being badasses. Today is not Hanna’s turn.

The girls visit Hank/Cyrus by posing as his cousins and are quickly instructed to get sanitized and put on gowns. Hank is in the burn unit and they’re pretty sure ‘A’ put him there. He writes down the name Varjak on a piece of paper, another character from Breakfast At Tiffany’s .

Aria and Hanna are excited when they realize Varjak is spelled incorrectly, meaning Cyrus probably met face to face with ‘A’ as opposed to just emails or texts. The nurse rushes them out before they can ask more questions and that’s when we see ‘A’ rise out of the next bed, disguised as a patient. That was impressively creepy.

Hanna finally goes to visit Alison and agrees to try to start their friendship over, but Alison has more pressing issues than who she’s inviting to her next sleepover. After writing ‘Mona’ on a dusty table in the laundry room, Alison returns to the room later to see that someone has written ‘told everything’ under Mona’s name. What does that mean?!? Who did Mona tell everything to? We know she told Mike her plan and Mike told the girls and the girls told Alison, so that’s not news. Was Mona’s story to Mike a lie?

Later in her cell, Alison finds a small barrel with an even smaller Alison doll inside with a note that reads ‘You’re already over a barrel, wanna be in one too? – A’. How are these girls not being constantly hospitalized for ulcers? This show is giving me an ulcer and I know it’s not real!

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