Mary takes off with Catherine because she’s so desperate to get away from Francis and Narcisse might actually be nice. A lot of crazy stuff happened on tonight’s Reign. Check out our recap below and don’t miss new episodes of Reign every Wednesday at 8E/5P exclusively on M3.

Mary is so depressed about Francis being unhappy with her for losing their child that she invites herself to go on a road trip with Catherine. That is depressed. Catherine, who is doing PR for the royals and making an appearance at an event a Lord is throwing, unsuccessfully tries to get rid of her daughter-in-law.

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Thelma and Louise hit the road and are gone for a few hours before Mary realizes that Catherine lied about their destination. They’re actually headed to a small town that Catherine funds with her family’s money. She wants to make sure they remember their queen, especially if things go south at French Court and she needs a safe place to flee.

The carriage is suddenly attacked by peasants yelling ‘death to the royals’. That can’t be good. While the royal guards are fighting the peasants, Catherine and Mary escape through the trap door Catherine has installed in all her carriages. You don’t stay Queen this long by being stupid. Catherine and Mary hide their jewels and turn their cloaks inside out, hoping to not look like royals.

After walking for hours, Catherine is haaaangry and willing to walk into a village that may be full of royal-hating-peasants rather than go without dinner. I hear ya sistah. The inn keeper won’t serve strangers who don’t have any money, so Mary makes up a story and offers to work as a waitress for the night in exchange for dinner and a bed for her and her ‘mother’. Catherine, no surprise, is hilariously lazy.

Francis is entertaining a Venetian Lord when Bash and Leith inform him that Mary and Catherine’s carriage has been attacked. Conde, not surprisingly, jumps up to help find Mary, while Francis leaves Bash in charge in his absence. Is it smart to announce the Queens are missing?

Mary and Catherine are enjoying their free meal and exchanging really depressing marriage advice (keep secrets from your husband, build a separate life, yada yada) when a royal carriage arrives carrying the King and Queen of France…nuh uh! Who dat? The fake Francis quickly begins encouraging the peasants to donate money to help fight the plague, while the fake Mary holds a press conference about life at French court.

The real Mary and Catherine are able to get the fake Mary alone in her room and she admits that her name is Jenny and that her lover has forced her to pose as the queen and steal from the poor. Mary and Catherine keep up the charade of being ladies in waiting and convince Jenny to agree to take them to a small town Catherine knows will be safe for them. Their meeting is interrupted by the fake Francis, who has just returned from burning down another farmer’s house who didn’t have enough money to pay the crown. I like the real Francis better.

Fake Francis realizes that his ‘queen’ has spilled the beans, but thankfully Armsmen Gifford, who had been riding with the real Francis, arrives in time to save Mary and Catherine. Not-so-thankfully, he’s the one orchestrating the whole scheme. Queen Elizabeth has employed him to smear Francis and Mary’s names as well as stealing from the poor.

Mary and Catherine convince Jenny to help them take down Gifford, but after a quick struggle it’s Jenny who is killed. As usual, Francis and Conde show up just in time, killing Gifford before he takes down the real queens. Francis rushes right to Mary and doesn’t even give his mom a high five. Kids, amirite?

Knowing how worried Mary is over not conceiving and having been there herself, Catherine tells Francis to be honest with his wife and supportive of her. Who is this woman and what has she done with Catherine? Another imposter! Francis is thiiiis close to telling Mary the truth, but backs off once again and continues to lie to his wife.

Lola has finally told her family about her son and they are not at all happy that she looks like the King’s mistress. They’ve disowned Lola and cut her off, financially and from her home. Instead of being a shoulder to cry on, Kenna wants Lola to be smart and immediately start working on amassing land and money on her own in case Francis is dethroned and her son is threatened.

Lola meets with a banker, hoping to get her dowry back since her first husband Julian is ‘dead’, or so everyone thinks. Unfortunately, being a woman in history is the worst, and her dowry is to be sent to Julian’s father. WTF?

Narcisse later sees Lola and informs her that he heard about her issue with the dowry and is willing to exert his influence over the banker in exchange for Lola joining him for tea. Tea has to be code for something else. Everything is code for something else in the French Court and that something else is sex.

Lola tells Kenna about Narcisse’s proposal and kenna agrees with me that ‘tea’ means a different three letter word. Lola accepts Narcisse’s invitation to tea and he teaches her to shoot an arrow. An actual arrow. That wasn’t code.

Still willing to help with her dowry, Narcisse tells Lola that he’ll speak with her banker if she agrees to let him watch her bathe. I guess when most people only take a bath once per month seeing someone in a tub is a normal fetish. Lola considers his offer and instead pays one of her ladies to give a bubbly show. Narcisse is impressed with Lola and admits that he already spoke to the banker and arranged for her dowry to be returned. So, do we like him now? The bath thing was kinda creepy, but a dowry being returned is awesome. There are fake kings and queens, Catherine is nice, and Narcisse is nice. I just don’t know what to think anymore.